DEAREST CHRISTIAN

DEAREST CHRISTIAN,

Having a blast on the ferry to Victoria

It has been many days and weeks since I have last written a blog for you. And today I write this blog, watching you sit in daddy’s lap waiting for surgery to remove your central line. It has been such a long time coming – I have thought about this day but didn’t want to hope for it. This way I wouldn’t be disappointed if it didn’t happen when I wanted it to.  Today is 15 months to the day that you received your first dose of chemotherapy. And now we get to say goodbye to this constant part of your life. I know you are so excited to see them go but at the same time they have become part of your body and like everything else that we have become used to, it will be weird to not see them. You told me today, “Good bye noodles….see you when I get cancer again….” I pray this isn’t true and not some sort of weird patient intuition. Just a slip of the toddler tongue.

Last time to see the lines

GONE!!!!

I haven’t written to you for a few reasons, one being that we were on our first family vacation since you finished your stem cell transplant. I decided that a blog hiatus was the best way to completely leave our past year behind while we drove to the west coast. The second reason I haven’t written to you is that is has become increasingly difficult for me to explain how I have been feeling. It doesn’t make sense that our world seems so much more upside down now that you have finished your treatment. I just don’t know how to put the feelings of my heart to paper. I hope I don't seem ungrateful for where we are in your treatment, as there aremany  families that would love to be in our position. You continue to struggle with your emotions, as do your dad and I. We have a hard time saying goodbye to the friendly faces on unit one. The other day you told me how much you missed Marc (music man) and asked me if you would ever see him again. Again I feel such a horrible sense of loss for things that you have come to rely on and trust to bring you comfort. Things that made you feel good in your week are gone like a flash and now it is our job to find new and great things for you to look forward to.  Tears fall from my face while I am typing this and I have no idea why. I have no idea why I feel so sad and lonely.

Ryan loving his bingo prize won by his big brother!!!

Despite mommy’s heartrending thoughts we have so many good moments. I love watching you and Evelyn play together. While we drove for many, many kilometers you guys would play with your stuffies in the back seat – pretending to be somewhere and something you were not. I love watching you become the big brother you are and display such an earnest desire to help your little brother and sister. Helping with shoes and clothes and toys. I love watching you get bigger, bum checks get chubbier, ribs and vertebrae start to disappear. I love to watch your hair get longer each day. You have almost lost your cancer patient look. Soon you will no longer be judged by what you don’t have.  You have become such a kind old soul and you are so thoughtful of other people’s emotions. Every time we left somebody’s home while we were travelling you were very sure to say goodbye and give kisses and hugs.

Rainy day at Bear Mountain

Pool time with mommy

Waffles with Marilyn

Monday night we returned from our holiday on the west coast, only to have to drive straight to the Children’s hospital because you started having fevers on our drive home. We have been there everyday since but I am praying that soon there will be an end to our days here. You had so much fun being away from the hospital and just acting like a kid. Jumping on the hotel beds and swimming in the hot tubs late at night. Even though it rained a lot we walked on the beach and you had a big bubble gum ice cream that you decided the birds could have instead. At low tide on White Rock beach we raced each other out to the waves – of course you beat me! We let the water hit our feet and jumped waves. At ‘aunty’ Marilyn’s you made batch after batch of waffles and French toast. We watched Ryan and Evelyn chase the puppy around. In the states you picked out cool blue suede shoes and a Boston Red Sox hat. You, Evelyn and Ryan couldn’t get enough of the toys at Target and somehow we ended up with a horse in a shiny pink purse and Bobba Fett’s Blaster gun in the car. This was of course after you gobbled down many helpings of the bread sticks at Target. “Uumm excuse me mom, it’s MY favorite store”, you told me yesterday. Then onto Bear Mountain in Victoria where I found the most amazing run that turned in to a full on scrabble to the top of a mountain. Many rounds of golf for you and dad and some serious hot tub time. I believe you and me even swam in the rain. Evelyn was such a little cutie – anytime we drove in the mountains she would look out the window and say, “Mommy can we go and climb that mountain?” Needless to say I think we had such a good time and I loved watching you, drinking in your different expressions and seeing become more confident each day.

Pool noodle lightsaber duels on the patio

Loving breakfast with Aunty Shirley!

As of right now I am, once again, laying beside you in our unit room while you sleep. It was a very tough evening for you as your penis was really sore from your surgery. You can’t seem to keep your hands off your chest where you lines used to be and I wonder what is going through your head. I can’t wait to go home tomorrow and turn on the shower for you, nice and hot, and just let you walk in. Then when you are done I can wrap you in a towel and place you on our bed where you can watch your favorite shows and I won’t have to pull of your central line dressing cover. You are one step closer to feeling like a normal little guy. I love you so much, I am so proud of your fight, your maturity, your honesty and your heart. I am so excited to hit the beach with you in a few weeks time. My heart is huge with the anticipation of sand castles you and Evan will build and the waves we will jump. Just as you proclaimed to me last night when we jumped in our soft comfy bed, “Thank you Jesus!”

No words needed!

Ice cream on the beach

Today I am thankful for:

1.     Dr. Mary Brindle

2.     Quiet times in the hospital room watching TV

3.     Ryan