The Old Rugged Cross

Dear Christian

Hello my little sweet pea, my angel, my Star Wars Jedi, my hugger, my kisser, my helper, my assistant chef, my joy, my turkey pants, my silly but, my brave boy, my hero. Mommy has missed you so much. I have purposely not written to you for a long time – I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t want the pain to come that usually accompanies one of my letters to you. The disconnection was purposeful so that I could survive. But I have missed you so much the last few months. I have missed talking to you under my breath and including you in every thought that passes thru my head. I miss feeling you beside me on the couch and encouraging me in my day. Grief goes in ebbs and flows and changes without notice. When I feel you near I feel so much peace and comfort. Knowing you are walking with me and playing with the kids brings comfort to my days. But it is also brings the intense emotion that can only be accompanied with the loss of your earthly presence. And some days its just too much to imagine you not being around.

Ryan's first dentist visit

The kids are getting so big and changing everyday. Ryan’s voice is changing and he sounds so much like you. Someday I have to do a double look because I am sure it is you yelling at me from the toy room. The mischievous grin and look in Evy’s eye are borrowed from you and I wish I could just dive into her eyes and be completely enveloped by you.  There isn’t much I wouldn’t give to hear your giggle, to see you waddle down the stairs in the morning, to hear you whisper “good morning mommy” before your eyes have even opened. To touch your arm and hold your fingers, to fight for your life and hold you tight when you were scared and unsure of the world around you. Nothing can replace these places in my heart and soul that are empty. Nothing.

We got to share your amazing at a fundraiser for Paediatric cancer research

Your daddy and I are so blessed to have been your parents and I am so grateful that He chose us to guide you down your path and help you achieve your purpose on this earth. Now we look for our purpose, it is uncertain but I know each day that I need to love Evy and Ryan and Joshua. I need to tickle them, love them and hug them until they beg me to stop. I have been practicing sitting in silence and listening for God to guide my steps. I really don’t know what way to move now but while I wait to move I am trying to find joy in being right here right now. Even right now just reminiscing about you and thinking of your quirky ways and old man soul, I find some happiness. I am so much better off having known you, than having being spared the pain of missing you. There is no greater gift that you could have given– to give your daddy and I the chance to live a life with our eyes wide open and full. To show us love beyond compare, to teach us humility, faith, trust and strength. And each day when I find myself frustrated with this world, exhausted in grief, I know that you are waiting for us in heaven, cheering for us to keep pushing forward. I know you see us, feel us,  and love us. Evy tells me now she misses you and speaks of you with such fondness and admiration. She knows you were so special.

There has been so many new things going on in the house. Joshy is walking all over the place and saying lots of new words, new words everyday in fact. Hockey, “yay!”, more, no and juice are some of his favorites. As with all of you guys he loves to read books with Grammy and swing the hockey stick around. He is sleeping like such a big boy in his big boy bed. He loves Olaf, and dancing. Ryan is infatuated with board games and, unfortunately, the Montreal Canadians (yuck!). Evelyn is blossoming in kindergarten. She has some friends she dearly loves and has become a brilliant little artist. Her imagination takes her and Ryan on exciting adventures everyday and I can't help but think about how close you and Evy where when you finally got out of the hospital. Old enough to understand you and want to play with you, you too were so tight. And now Ryan and Evelyn are the best and worst of friends. Watching them walk upstairs armed with backpacks full of star wars costumes, tiaras, swords and kitchen utensils, they go on mighty adventures. Evelyn is always princess Leia and Ryan is a storm trooper. He loves to wear your Halloween costume.

your silly brother and sister....

Ok I had better go…. The night is getting old and I have to go and find some sleep. It comes at rare intervals so I have to grab it before its too late. Please stay with me and keep me close. I am so desperate to see you again – to know what the Lord has in store for us in heaven. But I also understand we have a job to do here on earth. Thank you for showing me heaven and pushing me to trust in Jesus,

“So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross

till my trophies at last I lay down

I will cling to the old rugged cross

And exchanged it someday for a crown”

I love you Christian. Ill see you soon – love mommy