Happy Birthday To Me?

Hey Buddy

Sitting on the floor in my bedroom, feeling a bit deflated and thinking of you – as always. I am constantly moving about trying to fix something, cook something, clean something or move something. And when I sit down and the air leaves me lungs I feel like I weigh 500 lbs. I don’t have the energy to move myself back up into standing and I can’t breath. I wish I could cry. I feel sobs and sadness coming up; my chin quivers and my voice shakes when I try to speak but no tears. Today is my birthday and all I can think about is how much I miss you.

Life continues to move and everyday happens whether I want to open my eyes in the morning or not. I put a smile on my face and claw out of bed and begin each day. My emotions in the morning are like arthritis. When my brain first awakes in the morning I am reminded that you are gone and I am in pain before I ever even slip out of bed or peel my eyes open. As I move about in the morning and my body lubes up and my brain is forced to go to other places the pain numbs. I have a hot shower, get some breakfast and the day moves full steam ahead as I involuntarily push you to the back of my mind. And I am surprised that each morning pretty much the same as the one before. Even today when it should be fun and exciting to have a birthday all I feel is sadness and loss.

How we slept most nights

I was speaking to somebody the other day about the grief process. It is true that the intense backbreaking pain I felt in the first few months has subsided. But what has replaced it is this veiled grief that I try to hide behind my smile. I have come to realize that there is no “getting over it”and I will never “be better”. The necessities of life require that I keep making my kids food, giving them hugs, loving their little shinning spirits and nurturing their souls.  But behind this mega momma persona and stuck on smile is a person who is breaking each time she sits down to breath. I feel like somebody who has been telling a lie and now I can’t untell it. Like when you first meet someone and you forget to ask their name and now its gone on too long and you would feel silly to have to ask them their name now, months or years later. I hide my grief now because I feel like people would wonder about me, or the state of my mental health if I told them how much pain I feel still. How much I yearn to just lay in bed and do nothing. That if it wasn’t for Evy, Ryan, Josh and Chris I may just jump off a cliff. That is how painful it is still.

Today is the last day of fall I think, the cold and snow are coming tomorrow and soon I am going to hear, “When can we decorate the house?” And I wonder how much I can do this year? I have tiny moments where I see a beautiful decoration or hear a familiar Christmas song and I get excited about the upcoming holiday season and then a stinging smash in my face reminds me that everything about this holiday reminds me of you. Christian I know you are close to God so I know that you know my heart. And as much pain as I am in right now I know that you see all of me. You watch me experience joy and laughter with the kids. You see my trying to be better, trying to hand my worries and concerns over to God. I know the only answer to this deep soul crushing pain is to invite God into my world of pain and ask him to heal me.

Never got enough of these

The other day I was encouraged to give my worries, pains, fears, and inadequacies over to God. And I was angry because I thought, “God knows my pain! He caused all of this so I shouldn’t have to invite Him in”. Then He took me by the hand and asked me to go back to the hospital with him. But instead of lying beside you and watching you take your last breaths, we stood outside your room, He held my hand and we looked into the window. I saw me lying there beside you holding you and I was seeing things from His perspective. He reminded me that He watched His son suffer too. He watched His son take his last breaths – He understood my pain. But I had to trust Him that His view was so much broader and bigger than mine and if I allowed Him to guide my pain and healing He would reveal to us the blessings He has in store for our family.  And I realized that while I was standing their holding God’s hand tightly, Christian was holding my other hand. And I knew that if I spent all my time stuck in what I lost and can no longer have, I would never feel him holding my hand.

So each morning I invite God into my heart, thank Him for waking up in the morning, thank him for the gift of my kids and then I invite him into my pain and say, “please deal with this, I can’t but you can”.

I listened to your video this morning. You sang me Happy Birthday and whispered, “I love you”. I could almost feel your bony-armed hug and skinny fingers on my neck. You look deep into my eyes and tell me you love me and I know you still do. I love you to the planet Hoth and back.

You will be happy to know that Ryan has wished me Happy Birthday about 20 times already today. Papa Norman sang a lovely rendition of Happy Birthday and Grammy made me Waffles (in honor of you I think!) Please stay close.

Hospital bed cozy :) my happy place