HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYAN AND JOSHUA CHRISTIAN

Happy 3rd Birthday Ryan

It has been a very long time since I have written anything. You would think with the passing of time that things might get easier, maybe the pain might dull a little – but it doesn’t. We grieve in silence, behind our closed bedroom door or when we are alone together at night. Sometimes I cry in Evan's room at night when I am reading her stories. She asks me questions about Christian, why he can’t come back from heaven. And do I miss him? I try to read her stories but my voice quivers and I try my hardest to hold back the tears. I feel so much sadness for a little girl who will never know her older brother again. Despair for the questions that I can see are in her eyes but she doesn’t want to say. I look at pictures of the two of them together and the pain in my chest is tangible and I wish I could put my hand inside my chest and ripe out my heart. Does Evelyn think that Christian has abandoned her? I wish there was some way that I could explain to her so that she wouldn’t be lonely or wonder why he doesn’t come back. All of these emotions, feeling of sadness are unbelievably strong and seem to just linger below the surface. Far enough down that if I don’t look at any of his pictures or sit still for too long I can keep them there.

I am sure more people would assume that after a while the pain would be less but all that happens is that we feel left alone. While everybody else’ life continues on, usually at rocket pace, ours seems to be heavy and unmoving. Not that I blame anybody, before Christian died I wouldn’t have gotten it either. I don’t feel anger for people around me who are happy. I want to be happy too. Today was such a tough day – the first day of school. What would have been Christian’s first day of school. Instead Chris went to work in his new classroom directly across from the kindergarten class. And I spent the day replaying the past two years in my head, feeling like we were living this surreal life. When would I wake up from this nightmare?

August was a month of celebrations, a true testament to the fact that no matter how much we grieve, how much I want to just lay down and die, life moves and I can’t stop it. Ryan celebrated his 3^rd birthday, I can’t get over the fact that he is only four months younger than Christian when he was first diagnosed. Ryan is so clever and big! He is smart and knows how to work his parents! At the same time I see Christians sweetness in him and I know his heart is going to be just as loving. Last night while I lay in bed crying Ryan comes over to the side of the bed and says, “what’s wrong mom? Do you miss Christian?” I love that little man and the squealy laugh you get when you tickle his sides.

First bath with Daddy

We also have a beautiful new baby boy, Joshua Christian, born on August 17^th after four very speedy hours in labour and delivery. He is beautiful and calm in every sense of the word. Chris and I like to say that Christian had a few words with him before he came out and told him that he had to be good to us. I think Joshua is already listening to his big brother. He is an amazing addition to our family and I know how proud Christian is that he carries his name. I look forward to telling Josh all about Christian.

Its difficult to put anything on paper these days. My feelings seem more muddled each day. Despite some serious damage (will spare you the details) I incurred during delivery I can’t sit still. Even lying down with Joshua to feed him usually ends in tears, as it is quiet time that allows my mind to wander, it drifts over to Christian and the events of the past few years. I think grief runs in waves and right now I am fighting to keep to my head above water. I pray to God that He will sustain us while we learn to live again.

Today I am thankful for:

1.The videos of Christian on my phone that I can watch anytime

2. Joshua Christian Crowell

3.Evelyn and Ryan playing together, dressing up in princess dresses together and Evelyn binding his feet together with a skipping rope and pulling him behind her in the ride of car.