This is the ongoing story of our five year old son's battle with stage 3 Rhabdomyosarcoma in his abdomen. He recently earned his wings and entered the kingdom of heaven. He is full and surruonded by God's glory. He is our little hero and an amazing example of the adversity that children can overcome. God is our Healer, now that medicine is done, GOD will begin. All the glory belongs to HIM
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYAN AND JOSHUA CHRISTIAN
Happy 3rd Birthday Ryan
It has been a very long time since I have written anything.
You would think with the passing of time that things might get easier, maybe
the pain might dull a little – but it doesn’t. We grieve in silence, behind our
closed bedroom door or when we are alone together at night. Sometimes I cry in
Evan's room at night when I am reading her stories. She asks me questions about
Christian, why he can’t come back from heaven. And do I miss him? I try to read
her stories but my voice quivers and I try my hardest to hold back the tears. I
feel so much sadness for a little girl who will never know her older brother
again. Despair for the questions that I can see are in her eyes but she doesn’t
want to say. I look at pictures of the two of them together and the pain in my
chest is tangible and I wish I could put my hand inside my chest and ripe out
my heart. Does Evelyn think that Christian has abandoned her? I wish there was
some way that I could explain to her so that she wouldn’t be lonely or wonder
why he doesn’t come back. All of these emotions, feeling of sadness are
unbelievably strong and seem to just linger below the surface. Far enough down
that if I don’t look at any of his pictures or sit still for too long I can
keep them there.
I am sure more people would assume that after a while the
pain would be less but all that happens is that we feel left alone. While
everybody else’ life continues on, usually at rocket pace, ours seems to be heavy
and unmoving. Not that I blame anybody, before Christian died I wouldn’t have
gotten it either. I don’t feel anger for people around me who are happy. I want
to be happy too. Today was such a tough day – the first day of school. What
would have been Christian’s first day of school. Instead Chris went to work in
his new classroom directly across from the kindergarten class. And I spent the
day replaying the past two years in my head, feeling like we were living this
surreal life. When would I wake up from this nightmare?
August was a month of celebrations, a true testament to the
fact that no matter how much we grieve, how much I want to just lay down and
die, life moves and I can’t stop it. Ryan celebrated his 3rd
birthday, I can’t get over the fact that he is only four months younger than
Christian when he was first diagnosed. Ryan is so clever and big! He is smart
and knows how to work his parents! At the same time I see Christians sweetness
in him and I know his heart is going to be just as loving. Last night while I
lay in bed crying Ryan comes over to the side of the bed and says, “what’s
wrong mom? Do you miss Christian?” I love that little man and the squealy laugh
you get when you tickle his sides.
First bath with Daddy
We also have a beautiful new baby boy, Joshua Christian,
born on August 17th after four very speedy hours in labour and delivery.
He is beautiful and calm in every sense of the word. Chris and I like to say
that Christian had a few words with him before he came out and told him that he
had to be good to us. I think Joshua is already listening to his big brother.
He is an amazing addition to our family and I know how proud Christian is that
he carries his name. I look forward to telling Josh all about Christian.
Its difficult to put
anything on paper these days. My feelings seem more muddled each day. Despite
some serious damage (will spare you the details) I incurred during delivery I can’t sit still. Even lying down with Joshua to
feed him usually ends in tears, as it is quiet time that allows my mind to
wander, it drifts over to Christian and the events of the past few years. I
think grief runs in waves and right now I am fighting to keep to my head above
water. I pray to God that He will sustain us while we learn to live again.
Today I am thankful for:
1.The videos of Christian on my phone that I can watch
2. Joshua Christian Crowell
3.Evelyn and Ryan playing together, dressing up in princess
dresses together and Evelyn binding his feet together with a skipping rope and
pulling him behind her in the ride of car.