Dear Mommy
There are so many things I want to tell you, so many things
that I now know and understand. Mostly I want to tell you how much I love you.
Before I got sick and came to heaven I told you all the time that I loved you,
I was zealous about my family and the love I felt for everybody around me. I
wanted to make sure you remembered me saying it to you. “I love you mommy, I
love you more mommy, I love to you Hoth and back”. I know you miss me, I know you sit at night when you are
alone and cry. I know that you dwell on my most difficult days in the hospital,
the days I was so sick and the days you couldn’t take away my pain. But there
is something so very important I want you to know. I don’t think about those
days. They are done, gone and over and I want them to be over for you too. I
know it’s hard to think of me crying and screaming in pain but I have won the
battle and I now live amongst the most amazing glory that you could never
imagine but will see one day.
When you are feeling such despair I want to you to try and
remember our best times together. The nights we cuddled in bed, the nights we
fell asleep with our heads together, the giggles and laughs we shared. The
nights you spent “counting my back”, the baths we took at midnight, the hours
we read my favorite books and watching my favorite movies over and over and
over again. I want you to think of the dance parties we had in our living room
and the fun we had at the park. The afternoons we went swimming and the midnight
games of Yahtzee. These are the moments to relish, the love we shared and felt,
the bond of a mommy and her son. Even though I am not with you in the physical
sense I am always walking, sitting, lying and watching over you. I never want
you to regret any decisions you and daddy made for me or didn’t make for me.
Everything turns out the way God intended and you must trust this. Never feel
sorrow for times we didn’t share together because soon we will be together in
paradise, forever! 
I speak to you through my soul because the English language
doesn’t have the words to describe the awesomeness, the beauty, the glory, the
fullness and magnificence of heaven. I will never leave you, my spirit and soul
walk with you always, and when you are most sad, inconsolable and full of
despair – feel me crawl up into your lap and wrap my arms around your neck.
Incessantly kissing your cheek like I used to when you were heartbroken – you
know it made me sad to see you upset and full of misery.
I wish that I could release you from the trauma of the past
few years. I know it has been difficult for our whole family. Now is the time
to trust in the plans that God has chosen for us. I see and understand
everything; it is understandably unbearable for those of you left behind. Those
of you who don’t get to see what I see, who don’t know what I now know. But you
can trust in the Lord and know that His plan is perfect. If you had the option
to see things in reverse you would understand but your faith will have to guide
you through.
Never stop talking to me because I am always listening. I am
so excited about our new baby. I am excited to be a big brother again even
though they will never know me in the way Ryan and Evelyn did. I want peace and
calm in your heart. I want to see you shine like you used too, to not be afraid
to step out onto the ledge and go for the desires and dreams God has put in
your heart. Mostly mommy never ever forget how much I love you and how special
you are. You were the best mommy for me and you made my short life so very
special.
Love Christian
