Monday, April 2, 2012

Long Time Coming

Love those eyes - bald or not he is beautiful

It has been a struggle these past few days. I feel like I should be joyous all the time but to be honest with you it just seems like there will be no end to these trails. This morning I woke up with my back completely seized up again and felt so defeated. Despite the fact that I feel like “kaka” Christian does seem to be getting better each day. Yesterday we were at the park and he hit his face on the slide on the way down and it tore off the tape, which holds his NG tube down. He screamed in agony – not because he was in pain but because he was fearful he was going to have to have another one inserted. We yanked it out praying that he eats enough to sustain himself and hopefully even thrive. I pray that every crumb he eats has a 10 fold calorie factor (and minus 10 for me!) He limps around on his right leg quite a bit, as left leg is extremely tight and sore. Other than these small conundrums, he seems to be getting brighter each day. I type this then sure enough he awakes hours later screaming in pain and I feel like all patience and energy has left my body. I scream back because I have no idea how to help him. “Please tell me how to help you, Christian!” "I don’t know mommy", he says. And we both sit there sobbing because I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing. I am assuming they are growing pains or pains from having tight muscles. But of course the devil on my shoulder is telling me that it is cancer. I try to catch my breath and not throw up because I am positive I have just won the worst mother of the year award – who yells at their sick child because they don’t know what to do? Not a proud moment in my life.

All of our children have grown and blossomed so much since we have been able to spend time together. We sit down at the dinner table and eat as a family (that is when Evelyn hasn’t decided to sit under the table pretending she is the family dog!) Last night at dinner we discovered when counting the peas on his tray that Ryan knows how to count to 10. My mother was counting the peas as he was placing them into his bowl. And to our amazement he started counting along with her. He puckers his little lips and says, “twwwwoooo”. Then he spouted out the word nine and Chris says, did he just say nine?  Ryan thinks its funny and claps for himself.
WHO ME????
Evelyn keeps getting herself into trouble by making a mess or tearing up her books – thankfully she just blames things on her hands or her feet. “Mommy it was just my hands – they didn’t know what they were doing”. The other day she told me her bum wanted to out and sit on the swing. This evening while trying to lay in bed and read her some stories her resident bed giraffe was stomping on my neck and she says, “there mommy – do you feel better? My giraffe stomped off your sore neck and now it is on his paw – and he likes it!” Does it get any better than that? I love her so much.

This morning I worked my way downstairs to the lazyboy to ease my back and try to rest more comfortably. The sun had just come up but Christian knows immediately if his ‘skin’ has left the bed and he shortly follows me down. He comes and tries to sit on my knee but my back so was so sore he just sat beside me. A few minutes later he looks up at me and says, “Mommy don’t you think you should be icing your back?” He is so grown up and it made me realize how close attention he pays to everything going on around him – even when we think he is not listening. Either that or its what happens when your mommy is an athletic therapist – time to take some of my own medicine!
Christian and the Phaneuf boys enjoying some playtime
So this week brings Christian’s monthly dose of antibiotic as well as his surgery to fix his ‘pee issues’. Hopefully he will not be in too much pain and we can move on with planning our road trip to Vancouver, his cousin Grace coming to visit and our long anticipated beach trip to Florida. I have been a crazy woman running around trying to organize and fix things up in the house. I have been trying to de-clutter and get rid of the extra ‘stuff’ in our home. I am of the opinion that the ‘stuff’ is taking up room in our house and in our minds so better to free up the area and breath a little easier. And double bonus – make some extra spending money for our trip! Christian is convinced the States are full of Star Wars men he has never seen before – hopefully Target it not too much of a disappointment for him! Thanks for reading.
Our beach getaway in 8 weeks time

I can't wait to walk along this beach with Chris at night and praise God for all the gifts we have been blessed with

Today I am thankful for:
1.     Airdrie Sway and Buy
2.     Harry Potter
3.     Overcome, by Jeremy Camp
Beach, here comes the Crowells


  1. Hi Megan.
    I feel for you and your back pain. I've struggled with that most of my life.
    As far as being the worst mother is concerned I have news for you. Because of the cross, we have literally been made new. I used to think, "I must try to be a better father or husband or friend, etc." I realized that I am the best right now in Christ. It's not a process of becoming a good mother but the deepening realization that you already are there - that the Father sees you perfect right now even when your behaviour seems to negate it. When it says, "put on" Christ, or gentleness, or love,etc., the original sense of the word is "sink back into". So you are God's best and you can sink back into who you already are in Christ. Your heavenly Daddy is tickled pink with you simply because you are His little girl. Love and abundant blessings.

  2. Hey Megan.

    I need you to know that you are NOT a bad mother. You know that!! We all slip up. I'm a bit afraid of a mom who hasn't snapped at her kids now and then, because something big is coming!! You are human Megan. You are tired and worn down and have had so much stress heaped on you and you feel helpless and it comes out as a stressed cry for something better.

    You want a horrible mother/guilt story? Took my Grace to the dentist today for her 1st ever appointment that's just supposed to be to get them used to being there and found out she has FOUR cavities!! FOUR!!! That's how many times a day I brush her teeth. We have brushes and paste on both floors of the house! She gets no pop or iced tea or too many treats. The dentist assured me it wasn't due to neglect and that she has very deep grooves in her back teeth, but I just needed you to know that no matter what they tell me...that devil you mentioned is sitting on my shoulder whipsering, "you are a HORRIBLE mother!!!"

    All 3 of your babies are wonderful. Love the stories. Keep hanging in there. We're all pulling for you all the time. xoxo.

    Lise Wendt

  3. I was hearing today (on 100 Huntley Street) about being merciful instead of judgmental (letter of James)and I guess that has to start with ourselves, so that we can love our neighbours as ourselves. It's love, love and more love that pours out of your writings, Megan, and it's the love of God. Just give what happened to God - and leave it with Him. Blessings, Patricia (Antigonish).

  4. I soooo understand the back pain. I hope you feel better soon. And I understand about falling short as a mom -- I cringe when I think about some of the moments I had when the twins were babies. Looking back, I was overwhelmed. It's wonderful AND overwhelming to have twins. I can only imagine the tsunami of emotion that comes with being the mom of a very sick child. So .. don't be hard on yourself. Both God and children forgive. :) Hugs to you, my dear.

  5. You right those are beautiful eyes!! Smiling eyes too I'd say :) Your 3 gorgeous kids look sooo obviously happy and content at home there is no need to beat yourself up over the little things..... Everyday starts with a hug and ends with a kiss as I like to say! ~Crystal