REMISSION

Christian showing me how much he loves me!

This past week as we near the culmination of our journey I have found myself in constant reflection. Excited about the future, a little scared to leave behind what we know so well and a tad apprehensive about what could possibly lay ahead. As much as I promised myself I would not think about it, I don’t think I would be human, or at least a mother if I didn’t have some anxiety about Christian’s future. Every three months for the next three years he will have a CT scan. A scan looking for the regression of his cancer. A scan, as one doctor put it, which would show signs of the beginning of the end. This is a dark thought and one that rarely occupies my mind. But late at night when I can’t sleep or when I lay beside him in bed at night and watch him sleep I wonder for how much long do we get to keep him – forever? Thankfully I have the words of a good friend that roam in my head, “who said we were guaranteed another day with any of our kids, or family members for that matter?” So even though Christian will forever be at risk I know that life is short for all of us and the risk of losing somebody before their time is always there. So I am going to try my best not to dwell on the future but enjoy the present. I refer to some of my favorite bible passages to guide my head with my anxiety and worry, to provide some peace and reassurance in my heart.

Matthew 6:34

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own

Philippians 4:6-7

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Day before cancer diagnosis

So here we are ready to hit the road, say our goodbyes in the unit and jump in our van and make the trek back to Airdrie to live in our house together as a family – finally. I think about the day Christian was diagnosed. I remember that night like it was yesterday. Taking him into the ER and not even getting the chance to sit down in the waiting room as they whisked him back to be seen. Sleeping in the lazy boy chair in his room while we waited till morning for his ultrasound. Hearing some random doctor tell me that “I am sorry but it looks like cancer”. I can hear the fear in Chris’ voice when I had to call and tell him to come to the hospital, “Megan, please tell me what it is”. Making the move over to unit 1 (that I didn’t actually understand was the oncology ward for some time!) and meeting the soft and caring faces of the staff there. I remember spending some dark nights with nurse Courtney who was so reassuring, I remember her the question…is he going to die? I will never forget her face or her words. I remember the morning we waited for the results of his bone marrow biopsy – Chris was standing outside in rounds and I was trying to lip read to hear if his cancer had metastasized. So many intense moments in those first weeks.

One week after diagnosis

I distinctly remember watching the chemotherapy drip down into his lines for his first round of chemotherapy. I was thinking ok here we go this is it. I wondered how long before he would get sick and how long before his hair falls out? Thinking it was so surreal that we were doing this.  It was like I was playing a part on TV of a mother with her sick child. This couldn’t possibly be real. I remember when his hair started to fall out when we were at our radiation scan. The first few strands left on a pillow made cancer that much more of a reality. There is no hiding the meaning behind his bald head. I remember that Christian didn’t want to cut his hair when it started to fall out so I made a deal with him so that hair wouldn’t end up everywhere! I cut a few pieces of his hair then he cut a few pieces of mine.

Radiation was scary

Then things smoothed out, his tumor shrunk and life got a bit easier to deal with. Then radiation started and it was like we were starting all over again. Every morning from Monday to Friday we went to the Tom Baker where Christian was put to sleep so he could receive his dose of radiation. The day I went in to see the machine and look at his body cast – the room was so dark and he was so limp in his cast. His arms and legs splayed out and his abdomen completely exposed and vulnerable. Like we were playing a trick on him while he was sleeping. I remember it rained many of the days we were there and Christian would often complain he was cold. He would eat banana muffins and strawberry filled Timbits after he woke up. He was such a sweetie he won the hearts of all the staff there at the radiation department. 

Halifax Harbour

I remember how amazing it was to go to Nova Scotia for a few weeks in the summer time. I would run through Victoria park and think to myself that this was what normal life used to feel like. Being outdoors, letting kids play together, not running to the hospital every second day. But shortly after we got home his ability to eat and his tummy pains progressed until they decided to do a CT scan to see what was going on. Sure enough his tumor had regressed. We were only 9 weeks from finishing his whole treatment. When first diagnosed percentages and numbers are thrown around for odds of survival. 70% they said….and at the time I wondered who where going to be the unlucky ones? Which of the three kids of out 10 were not going to make it? And now the nightmare had come true. We had moved down into the 30% category.

Chemo in the clinic

Four days after surgery

Fast forward a few weeks to Christians 12 hour resection surgery. Dr. Mary Brindle and a team of about 6 other surgeons saved Christians life that day. Because they didn’t leave any visible cancer cells behind we were ready to fight again. The devil has made so many attempts to take Christian from us but God continues to give us the resources we need to keep him here with us. Resources like chemotherapy, radiation, Dr. Mary Brindle, Dr. Baudry, stem cell transplants and the Alberta Children’s hospital. First he tried cancer but God gave us Dr. Victor Lewis and chemotherapy. Then he tried regression but God gave us Dr. Brindle and donor blood vessels. Then he though he would try to take away his ability to breath with a failed extubation but Dr. Megan Mahoney got him reintubated again. He thought he would try his hand at starvation and a bowel obstruction but God gave us Dr. Baudry who performed an emergency surgery at 2:00am on December 10^th. God gave us the infectious disease control who helped Christian battle infection while he was neutropeonic after the emergency surgery. Then he tried to derail our attempts at stem cell transplant but God used the distraction to get Christian to the best weight possible. Satan tried to take out our ability to support Christian while waiting for his engraftment after stem cell transplant with Chris getting sick and not being able to come to the hospital. But all that he did was strengthen my bond with Christian and my ability to communicate with the nurses and doctors on the unit. So it is easy to see that every effort was made to take him from us but God overcame and literally delivered Christian back to us. Just as He promised,  Jesus never took Christian, Chris or I off of his shoulders. Times when I shouldn’t have been able to function he carried both of us.

After emergency surgery

As I write these words I lay in my bed with Christian snuggled beside me for the first time after 36 straight days in the hospital.

After:

60 weeks of treatment

45 rounds of chemotherapy

28 days of radiation

430 needles

One 12 hour tumor resection surgery

One emergency bowel obstruction surgery

26 blood transfusions

9 platelet transfusions

30,606 kilometers driven to and fro the hospital

Today he is cancer free and in remission

Love from nanny and nanny

There is nothing else left to say except we have to give utmost praise and glory to our God in heaven for giving us the strength we needed to get through this trial. Praise to God for keeping us unyielding as a married couple and allowing us to learn and grow through our difficult times. Praise to God for helping us to see the good when things are bad. Praise to God for Christian coming home to be with us. Praise to God.

Today I am thankful for:

1.     Jayden Phaneuf being declared cancer free and in remission

2.     Watching Evelyn, Christian and Ryan all kneeling around the toy bin to play this afternoon

3.     Ginger ale and orange juice mixed together