missing you

miss this smile....this love

I miss you so much Christian. I don't really have anything else to say. I wanted to send this message upto you in heaven. I love you so much and miss hearing your sweet voice in the morning. I miss your arms around my neck. I miss you asking me to play Star Wars with you. I miss reading you Star Wars books. I miss making you hot cereal in the morning. I miss laying and watching movies with you in bed. I miss the feel of your fingers on my arm. I miss cuddling under a blanket when its cold. I miss your heart and your love and your cheekyness. I miss watching you play air guitar on your stomach. I miss watching you sing to the songs you loved. My heart has this space that doesn't know what to do with itself. It was such an important space that is now empty and nothing else can fill it. A void that will exist until i can hold you again in paradise.

Empty Spaces

Dear Christian

Your favorite place to have Star Wars battles

Today mommy and daddy moved your bed. Your room was empty your walls were bare. I looked at the spot on the floor where you used to sit and play star wars, for hours you would take out each man and find their weapon and their card. Sometimes you liked to take off all their helmets (and heads!) and lay them out in a line. After you got all of the men with their proper armor and weaponry you would ask me if I wanted to have a battle. You were always the cool commander and I was the bad guy. I tried to tell myself that your bed wasn’t you. Heck you didn’t even sleep in it more than a handful of times and certainly never alone. But like a good friend said to me tonight it was a dream, a hope of a better life. It was the hope that one day I would get to hear you and Ryan giggling till all hours of the night. I wanted to walk into the room and tuck you into bed and bend down and tuck Ryan into his bed.

I never miss you more than when I watch Ryan following around other boys your age. Desperate to be their friend and looking up to them the same way he looked up to you. I would be lying if I said my heart doesn’t break when I realize that Ryan doesn’t have his big brother anymore. He doesn’t have his hero to look up to and want to be like. You were such a sweet heart with a kind and soft presence about you. You were a leader and a friend to just about anybody who was around. (I am sure until he got into your toys!) I pray that God will help him to remember you and feel you and know you. That your light and influence will finds its way into his heart and soul and he will know that his big brother always lives in him and protects him. So Ryan is getting a new paint color on the wall and I am going to paint one wall yellow for you, so that the two new colors will blend together and I can keep a little of you in our lives. I still have not moved your clothes out of the closet and your toys still stand on the shelves.

Evelyn is only a few months away from turning five. I don’t know where the time has gone. The world continues to spin (at an epic rate some days) and I realize that while I am waiting to find a new way to live life continues to move and grow and change. Evelyn is still in love with her stuffies, she packs her bags often to have sleepovers at Grammy’s house.  She loves to wear her black and white shirt and pretend she is a skunk. She loves Just Dance and I can picture you and her dancing together in the living room. She always asks to do the ‘cat fight’ song that you two used to do together. Are you watching her? Do you dance with her?

On your heaven day we took the kids to stir crazy. She asked me if you had ever been there and I told her sadly, no you had never gotten the chance. She pondered only for a moment and then ran back up to the top of the slide. When she same down she said did you see that mom? I asked did I see what? She said, "I winked at Christian! He was sliding right beside me." And I dreamed for a moment that you were playing with them and keeping them company.

What an amazing big bro

You are irreplaceable. An amazing older brother that is no longer here. And sometimes I have a glimpse that God must have something amazing planned for our family. He will surely figure out a way for us to be happy again, for the gigantic whole in my heart to be healed, even if just a bit. I love you my little monkey pants. 

Jayden, Big brother Nicky and Christian = Star Wars friends forever 

waiting for the sun....

sweetest face in heaven

Dear Christian

It has been so long since I have written anything. I have written nothing to you, nothing to God, nothing for others to hear, nothing to heal my heart. I don’t know why I have been so afraid to sit down at the computer and type. Perhaps I am afraid of what might come out of the ends of my fingers. We are only days away from you “death day” as I have heard others put it. It makes me cringe and my stomach do turns to actually say it. I would rather call it your heaven day – the day you met Jesus face to face. The day you learned it all, the day you experience amazing love, rest, strength, and peace. I am already crying and I have only begun to write. So now I know why I delayed. It is so painful to think about you being gone, so painful to talk to you. I have spent the better part of the last few weeks running around with my head cut off just so I didn’t have to be to mindful of your absence.

At the same time God has brought about a certain peace to my life that I couldn’t explain to anybody else who has not lost a child. I know now that when I held you in my arms and said goodbye almost one year ago, I should have said I’ll see you soon. Because I am certain that I will see you again, I will hold you again and I will experience a life of paradise with you and our whole family – together. These past few weeks, starting on New years eve, have been so painful for me. I can’t help but repeat last year and think of all the things that transpired until you left us. I can’t help but the think of the pain you experienced, watching your abdomen getting bigger and bigger, the hunger you felt while you starved, the desire you had to be free from the body that was keeping you prisoner. I can’t help but replay the conversations with doctors and nurses. I can’t help but see Megan’s face when she told me you were going and I should get up into bed with you and hold you. The worst days of my life was watching you suffer, and not just suffering but suffering with no end and no cause.

I am thankful you slept and were unconscious for most of the time. I am thankful I had so many opportunities to lay with you, and touch you, talk to you and watch movies with you. I am so glad that I was your mommy and your comfort. I am delighted that God chose me to be with you and love you and have you be mine. I wouldn’t give back the years of knowing you to not be experiencing this pain right now. I believe we grieve so greatly because we loved so big. We can only understand how great this loss is because we understand how special you were and how you and your story touched so many lives. You were an amazing boy who knew how to show love to an amazing degree and depth.

I wish you were here with us to experience Joshua first hand, to hold him and love on him. Evelyn loves to hold him and she is such a good big sister. I know that you would have loved to have taught him about star wars and batman and hockey and I feel so sad about that. But I also know that Joshua was a special gift, perfectly timed by God. He has so many of your characteristics and personality traits that I wonder if you aren’t whispering in his ear when he sleeps! Sometimes when I miss you the most I can smell the horrible plastic smell from the hospital and oddly it reminds me of you (probably the only smell that I would have equated to you) and I know you are around. I am not sure what else I want to tell you, what else I need to say. I am lost but hoping that soon I will be found. I know that God is constantly pushing me forward and holding his hand over the bleeding in my heart. I had a vision the other day of my broken, cracked and chipped heart. I pray to God everyday (sometimes every hour) to help me, heal my broken heart and the other day I had a vision of Him filling the empty spaces and cracks in my heart with a liquid that looked like gold. And I instantly knew that He has a plan for our healing, that God will not allow my heart to stay ruined. He can teach us to love and trust again. 

A special visit from Santa on Christmas eve

Christmas without you was difficult but I felt your presence and knew that your deep desire was for us to celebrate the birth of Christ. For Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua to have a magical Christmas, not one full of events, busyness and toys, but one full of love, family and faith. I feel like God has something great planned for us and we need to stay focused on Him and His plan for our family. There are so many unknowns and I feel as though some days I am not sure how we are going to move forward but I trust that we will. And I trust in God and I trust in your daddy and our family. There was a day when we knew amazing love, hope and pure happiness; then we had a day when I experienced pain like I didn’t know existed; so I believe we will not stay in this valley but God will lead us to that high place again and we will know that it is a high place because we have been so low. You can only know how amazing the sun is after you have watched the rains.

Today I am thankful for:

1.Joshua sleeping in my arms with his face all smooshed to one side

2.The little “streeeeetch” he does after he wakes from a nap

3.The way Ryan says lemonade, “grammy can I have some lemolade?”

Evelyn and Ryan lovin' on Joshua

Asleep on Grandpa's shoulder

Superman PJ's and Blue Guitars

Hanging the star with Daddy

Today is one of those days when I looked all over for you; you were nowhere to be found. I looked for you in your bedroom, my bedroom, Evan’s bedroom, I checked Facebook and wandered around the house aimlessly and you were gone. Just gone. And the energy left my body and the air left my lungs. I felt like I couldn’t breath and I didn’t have the energy to do anything else. I hear people complaining about the weather, their cars getting stuck, the garages snowed in and I thought about the times we spent at the hospital on these days. I would cuddle up into your hospital bed with you and look out the window and I felt so secure. You were in my arms, we were in a safe place and I knew I was the happiest I could be right at that exact moment. I knew that I understood happiness. That despite everything going on around me I could be happy just having you near. The blowing snow, the cold wind and the sounds of the blizzard make me feel so alone and my arms have never felt so empty. I feel like I want to drive the Children’s hospital and try and find you there.

Today Evelyn told me she visits you through cloud tunnels that go to heaven. Oh what I would give to fall into a cloud tunnel right now, just so I could see your smiling face and maybe feel your skinny arms around my neck. I wish I had the innocence of a child and maybe I could see you, sense you. But instead I am left with my adult inhibition and my unbelief.

What a great moment…...

That is a smile of pure joy. He loved his cousins so much and
just being in their presence made him smile

Yet I also understand that I can only know this type of pain because you did teach me such amazing joy. I feel the level of sorrow is equal to the level of joy that has been lost. So in a very weird sense I should feel enlightened by the pain – it shows me how great of a loss your shining little life was. And i should be so lucky to have known this type of love. Some days I am so grateful for the ‘lessons’ we have been taught and learned over these past few years. I see many people ‘living life’ with their children, their jobs, their houses, they are busy and then busy some more. We were these people. We knew we needed some counseling, we needed support in our marriage, we needed to seek out friends who would support us in our effort to become a stronger married couple, we needed to find a church that suited us but we were ‘too busy’. Too busy to step out and look for this help. In these past years we have been forced into situations that required us to seek this help and face the problems head on. You can’t hide from grief or from the weaknesses in your marriage; they grow exponentially when they are avoided.

Is this true love or what? 

The grief I feel because you went to heaven will never diminish because the joy you brought to me can never be altered or reduced. I will never get used to you not being around and I will never stop missing your silliness. But new joy will find me and I trust that God will fulfill his promises. When I am missing you the most I try my hardest to think about heaven, I think about the moment you first experienced its glory and wonder. I would have loved to have seen your face the moment you met Jesus and the peace you felt as you left the body that let you down so horribly and entered into a heavenly body that was strong and able. I KNOW I am going to hold you again. 

Superman pj's and a swollen chemo face

I had a vision at church the other night when they were signing your song, “Our God”, I closed my eyes and immediately a picture of you in your superman pj’s (the ones you used to wear to the hospital) standing on an alter with a beautiful blue guitar, and you were so intense on the music you were creating. You were signing with all your heart and together with the crowd you were praising Jesus and his faithfulness. There was no question about goodness or sadness just pure praise. And I could hear you begging me, “Mommy please sing with me”. I opened my mouth and tried to get some words out but sobs heaved from my heart and I just mouthed the words instead.  I know you want goodness for us and you want happiness in our hearts. Everyday I try to think about how I can honor you, your name and your fight. I am hoping one day it will come to me and I will step out onto that proverbial ledge and fly the way God intended.

I love you so much Christian. I wish I had a thousand pages with a thousand “I loves you” each. There is no measure to the love that a parent has for his child so there is no measure for the grief they experience when a child returns to his heavenly home. Through the darkness I see God guiding us to find ways to make this life better for others. Especially around this season when I am missing you so much I want to pretend it is not happening. But to ignore Christmas is to ignore the birth of Jesus Christ and to forget everything that you loved so much. The spirit of Christmas was all over you and I know that you are encouraging your daddy and I to try and make this time special for Evy, Ryan and Joshua. I can see your gigantic smile and silly laugh when we enjoy ourselves. I know you are laughing too when Ryan comes over and asks me to tickle him, “tickle me mommy!”

 Memory tree ornament we hung for you at the ACH

Even though you have been gone for almost year the days almost seem more difficult now than when you were first gone. Last year at this time you were getting so sick and even though we hoped until you took your last breath, I wondered if I would have to say goodbye. All of the thoughts and emotions I experienced in those last few weeks are replaying themselves in my head like a tape that I can’t shut off. I am so grateful that your pain is over, you are now limitless and spend your days walking the streets of gold. Evan is convinced you are playing with the lions, tigers and elephants. Ryan is sure you have an amazing game of street hockey that never ends. I thank you that you stay close to us. I love you all the way to the ice planet Hoth and back. Please keep guiding, guarding and protecting Luca with your precious hands. Merry Christmas Mr. Grinch, “MAX GET MY CLOAK!!!!”

NOVEMBER 8

The last self portrait you took - love your eyes…..so beautiful and healthy

Dear Christian.

Its November 8, my birthday. My first birthday since 2007 without you. Last year you proudly handed me a bouquet of flowers as I made my way downstairs in the morning, but this year there will be no flowers from you. I will never forget how a few days before my birthday last year you brought down your wallet from your bedroom, dug your hand into the change section and pulled out some coins. You placed them in my hand and told me to buy whatever I wanted for myself. You were the kindest soul I have ever met and I know you would have given me the world if you could have. Instead I used the money to put together this picture of us and I will never forget how we spent our last birthday together.

I don’t have much today say today. Just another day that should be a celebration of life but will in fact be a day that I miss you more than the last. I am so grateful I have a video of you telling me you love me and singing me happy birthday. I know you will sing to me from the heavens and rejoice in every smile and laugh I can muster. I miss you so much; there are no words to describe it. Looking through my photos tonight I can see how many great moments we had together, some amazing ones at Disneyland and Florida but some of the most special moments we shared were just you and I hanging out in bed together. You and I enjoying the safety and love of each other’s company, you and I will be connected forever, until we meet again in heaven.

I love you and miss you all the way to Hoth and back.

Today I am thankful for

1.     my videos of Christian

2.     Joshua smiling at me (nodding when I asked him if he had been talking to you)

3.     Chocolate cake

Miss your silly ways…..

Snow Day

Ryan watching closely...he thought you were the best! still does....

Dear Christian

It snowed today. Immediately I thought of you and how excited you would have been to see the snow. I am sure you would have asked me when we could put up Christmas decorations. Ryan was so excited when he saw the snow that he ran around the house, laughing out loud as he looked out the window. He happily shoveled snow, wearing some of your clothes, your jacket, your pants, and the mitts that you got for Christmas last year but never got a chance to wear. I wonder if you were outside with him watching him tromp around in the snow, moving little piles of snow from one place to the next.

This looks just like a little Christian

Looking out the window and seeing all the white on the roofs and trees makes me sad beyond compare. It introduces another season that will come and go without you. Without your infectious smile, your lighthearted ways, your loving embraces and your kind soul. Halloween at Daddy’s school just will not be the same this year. Almost every year since we have lived here in Airdrie you were a part of the Halloween celebrations. Eating treats and snacks in the classroom while watching a movie with Daddy’s students, then proudly walking beside daddy in the Halloween parade. You were always a big hit. Starting your very first year when you were a puppy, then a duck, then a tiger, Darth Vader (in the hospital with the ladies after your huge surgery) and finally Captain Rex (only one of the coolest Star Wars characters there ever was!) There are endless things that happen in the day that make me want to run up into my room and fall into bed and never get out again; the sound of Evelyn’s voice, watching Ryan play with your Batman toys, seeing Ryan wearing your old clothes, finding your Spiderman toque in the winter bin. I purposely look away from your photos and your things but today I buried my head in your old track pants that you used to love to wear, I held your Spiderman hat in my lap and I wondered if I would ever be happy again.

Christians first halloween

Sweetheart please don’t think that I am without joy. There are many moments in the days and weeks that bring your daddy and I joy. I have many moments of delight: when I spend time with our dear friends, when I see Joshua smile at me, seeing Evelyn’s face light up when she sees me after preschool, watching Ryan and Evy becoming good friends. But the underlying current in my life is just mediocre. I long for the day when happiness finds its way back to me. But I honestly fear it never will. We will “get used” to this new normal but happiness may not abound. People often ask me, “How are you doing?” I am never quite sure how to answer. I think I know now that the proper response would be, “I am not happy, but I have moments of joy”. How can I possibly be happy when one of the biggest loves of my life is gone?

I have been reading a book called, “90 minutes in heaven”, about a pastor who suffers a horrible car accident, dies and spends time in heaven before returning to earth in a beat up and batter human body. He questions why God has chosen this horrible and painful path for him. Over time God slowly reveals his purpose and plan for this pastor.  God has spoken to me many times while I have been reading the book. It has ministered to my soul and reminded me that God loves me and has a great plan for our family. The waiting and trusting part is just so painful and hard. The author quotes a verse from the bible that goes like this:

      2 Corinthians 5:1-4

For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down, when we die and leave these bodies, we will have a home in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. We grow weary in our present bodies and we long for the day when we will put on our heavenly bodies alike new clothing. For we will not be spirits without bodies, but we will put on new heavenly bodies. Our dying bodies make us groan and sigh, but its not that we want to die and have no bodies at all. We want to slip into our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by everlasting life

I read this and I know that I am going to see you again. And not only will I see you again but also I will embrace you, smile at your loving eyes, kiss and touch your sweet face and stand together with the angels and sing. Sing just like we used to do in Church together. When you would stand on the chairs in the first row and play your imaginary guitar and feel the music. We will be together, our whole family, in paradise. Until this day I want to honor you by being the best mom I can be to Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua. I want to love your daddy with all my heart so you know he is taken care of. I want to make sure that your name is never forgotten and people remember what an amazing little man you were. God has a plan for our pain and I trust Him to hold us up, to clothe us better than the birds and provide healing for our permanently broken hearts. Today Ryan and I were listening to some of our music out loud in the living room like we used to do, he heard the song, and “All who are thirsty” and he yelled out, “oh cool Mom come down here and listen to this song”.  I know that part of you is living in him. He loves to stand at the front of church and watch pastor Doug play the guitar, and the drummer beat on his drums. Music runs in his body just like it did yours.

Loved Halloween at Daddy's school

So Halloween will come and go. My birthday will (hopefully) quietly sneak past and then the monster of all holidays, Christmas. I am not sure what I am going to do when I am faced with Home Alone. Will I be able to put up the Christmas decorations? I know that your sister and brother will be so excited about it. They want to make cookies, just like you used to. Peanut Butter with Grammy was one of your favorites because you got to squish them down with the fork. Sigh. I long for you and the life we used to know before you got sick. At the same time the lessons and love we learned from your journey are priceless to us. But what an expensive price you had to pay. Not in that you died (I can only imagine your glory) but all of the horrible things that you endured until that point. I pray every night that God would show me you, that I might catch a glimpse of heaven and see how beautiful it is for you. Then perhaps my heart would be at peace. Until I see you in my dreams I will trust God and His promises that you are so full and beautiful and singing and playing a real guitar with the angels. My little turkey pants please continue to walk with us and watch over your brothers and sister. They know you and love you and sense you. Ryan plays hockey with you in his dreams and Evy speaks about being in heaven. Whenever the sun shines through a window on Ryan he says, “Look mommy, Christian is shining on me!” I love you all the way to Alderaan and back.

Captain Rex and Daddy AKA "Chewy" 2012

Today I am thankful for:

1.     First world problems (thanks Pastor Allen for reminding me)

2.     Great books at bedtime

3.     The sound of a new born baby cooing

Halloween in the hospital 2011 (post surgery)

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White gloves

I will never forget how you used to show us how much you loved us

Dear Christian

Tonight your daddy and I were walking around the store when daddy spotted some white stretchy gloves. Immediately he thought about last Halloween when we had to run out to Wallmart to find you gloves so you could look like Captain Rex. I remember you wearing the white gloves that were not so ‘stretchy’ on your tiny little hands. You proudly wore your Captain Rex costume and carried your toy guns around the gym for the costume parade. Nobody bothering to remind us about the ‘no toy gun’ policy at school because, well, your Christian and everybody wanted what was best for you. Even if it meant breaking the rules!!!

 

The best Captain Rex - ever!!!!

You are everywhere to me. You are every airplane that goes over our house, every cool cloud I see in the sky, every full moon that lights up your bedroom in the middle of the night and every silly face your brother and sister make. As fall descends upon us and we watch everybody else return to ‘normal’ life we struggle to find normal. We struggle to move through each day while watching other families get excited about new schools, new activities, new friends and new experiences. We try to not think about you too much as the pain just seems insurmountable. But you are everywhere. Evelyn asks about you a lot these days. She wonders about heaven and how you got there. How come the doctors couldn’t make you well. She suggested that we should have tried some different medicine or maybe we could have used some of her blood. It breaks my heart to think that she even has these thoughts. She misses you so much but just don’t have the words or abilities to express it. We talk about you all the time and tell her how great heaven is. I told her about the amazing animals you get to play with, the beautiful weather and of course that you get to be with Jesus. That you aren’t sick anymore and don’t have to go to the hospital for needles.

Your brother Ryan is such a little crazy that I think you guys would have had a blast together. He was so frustrated when I went to the hospital to have Joshua. He didn’t understand where I had gone, as the hospital always meant something scary or painful for you. Then we came home with a new baby, which I think he was even less impressed by. Referring to Joshua as “it” and telling me to put it away or take it upstairs. Then your daddy went back to work that made him even less happy and he started rebelling by pooping on the floor and getting into anything and everything that wasn’t secured. Many mornings Grammy found Ryan downstairs in the kitchen getting into something he wasn’t supposed to. One morning he was standing on the countertop trying to reach the candy shelf, the next he is pouring out Josh’s tummy medicine, he attempted to make coffee another morning and the list goes on. He is so cute, big and smart. I try not to think about how well you guys would have gotten along. Playing hockey, batman, star wars and golf. He tells me most mornings that you guys were playing hockey and making playdoh in the night. He seems to know you and love you speak of you as though you are just away on vacation. I pray you keep speaking into his heart and his mind so he never forgets his big brother.

 

Baby Joshua

As for daddy and I we are trying our best to move ahead each day. Daddy is trying very hard at work but some days you are just so present in everything he sees. A special book at school, Green Egg and Ham, or even just roaming the hallways that you used to run down. As summer turns to fall and the next holidays loom, I wonder what will become of the Crowell family that used to be so involved in everything and liked to organize family events. Will I be able to watch everybody else celebrate and enjoy the holidays that will only bring me strong reminders that something is missing? Something will be so wrong on Halloween day, Thanksgiving turkey dinner, my birthday, Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. No, I think this year, my sweety, I will check out and choose a different road, one that isn’t so painful and full of reminders of what we should have as a family. We should be a full family of six but we are not. We are a family of five with one empty seat that can never be filled. It can’t be filled with new babies, jobs, or any length of time. I will miss you forever. My heart will be broken forever. Each night when I lay my head on the pillow I am thankful that I am one day closer to eternity. One day closer to holding you and knowing full love again. Until then I pray you continue to watch over us, watch over your brothers and sister. Please continue to walk with us and show us God’s glory. I love you all the way to Tatoieen and back.