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| Stree hockey with my cousins |
Dear friends,
As many of you know this has been
one of the most complicated, emotionally taxing, fearful and amazing weeks of
my life. One week ago today I wrote a blog about hope and about having faith in
our God, but those were just words of a hopeful mother, a mother who wasn’t
sure how much longer she would get to hold her child and desperately, secretly
begging God at night to keep him. I have read so much bible scripture in the
past two weeks it makes my head spin. But one verse has stuck with me and its
truth has been revealed to me, through our miracle. The truth inside of me and
the truth about our God. Mark 9:14-25 is the story of a father who wants Jesus to
heal his son but questions whether He can.
“The father
instantly cried out, "I do believe, but help me overcome my
unbelief!"
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| Hours before emergency bowel obstruction surgery |
Six nights ago Christian came home
from playing with his cousins complaining of a sore tummy. Within hours it
escalated to gut wrenching, hair pulling, ear piercing screaming pain. A whole
bunch of projectile vomit later, we were on our way to the children’s hospital.
Without actually ying the words we all understood what was at stake. We had
been told only days before that Christian’s new tumor was completely
inoperable. There was nothing more they could do for him except some salvage
chemotherapy to ‘extend’ his life. We had entered a phase of bucket list type
activities. We were praying for the best but expecting the worst. So as we
drove to the hospital we fought our silent fears about what could be causing
his pain – knowing very well it could be the mass growing. After one long night
in the ER and we were being told his tumor had grown at an inexplicable speed
and was now completely obstructing his bowels. Nothing could get past his
stomach, no food, drink and most importantly – no chemotherapy. There would be
no shrinking this tumor. His cancer was coming after him again and there was
nothing we could do about it but pray.
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| Visit to Calgary Zoo courtesy of Starlight Foundation |
Our amazing surgeon, Dr. Mary
Brindle was quickly brought to the table to discuss options about relieving his
intense pain. We knew the tumor was inoperable but she had a way to bypass it
so that food and medication could get from his stomach to where it needed to
go. It was not a matter we took lightly as he had already been cut open twice
during this valiant battle. He had already endured weeks in the ICU, days
intubated, weeks in pain, weeks suffering from withdrawal. Chris and I held
tightly to each other and asked the question no parents wants to ever consider;
is it time to let him go? Had he fought enough? Would we be doing him any
favors by putting him through this surgery knowing full well that the tumor was
growing so fast by the time he recovered from surgery it could be already
blocking something else. But Chris looked at me and said, “I think we need to
give Mary a chance to fix this”. The surgeon was going to be leaving the next
morning so surgery had to happen immediately. We decided we could not leave him
to suffer in that kind of pain until he passed away so we went ahead with the
surgery and four hours later he was again on a operating room table in the
surgical suite. He was once again a nighttime customer for the ACH surgeons and
once again the life of our little warrior was in the hands of a surgeon.
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| Time spent at the mountains with nanny |
In the hours leading up to the surgery
we held tight to each other, we cried a lot and questioned our journey. We
begged God for a miracle. As we walked the halls of the oncology ward our tears
flowed so freely, our grief had already begun to set it. Are we really ready to
lose him and let him go? How could this all be happening so quickly. We didn’t
even have a chance to try anything to save him. The nurses felt so horrible for
us and cast down their eyes so they wouldn’t have to feel and see our
heartache. Knowing glances from other oncology parents who have seen the
uncontrollable fear and hurt in each other’s eyes. I could sense the compassion
and pity from everybody around me, but all I could feel was despair. As Chris
placed Christian in the arms of our surgical nurse and they walked away I will
never forget the look in Christians eyes as he put his head on her shoulder and
watched me. Like he was so unsure about where he was going and what he was
doing. At the same time I could see the resignation in his face and thought
surely this was not how he would feel if he were to go to heaven. Surely he
would wave at me and skip away excitedly and tell me to hurry along so I didn’t
miss him too much. I hugged our surgeon and told her to fight for Christian.
She cried tears as she walked into the surgical suite and that was it – we had
no more control and I fell into the arms of my friend, Loralie.
Loralie and I spent the next hours
praying and talking, ok mostly talking but not really coming up with any answers.
We ask the question “why?” and we tried to explain away our fears and angers
about being in the situation we were in. I wondered why two young women with
young families had to sit around and discuss what it would be like to let your
child go and to completely surrender them to God. Loralie spoke of David and
Goliath and the epic battle he won over the giant. She spoke of David’s
faithfulness to God and how he was willing to battle a giant in the name of
God’s plan. She said, it wasn’t the rocks that killed Goliath, it was God, but
He needed somebody stand up and to hold the rocks and slingshot for Him. So
Loralie said, “I will stand here and hold your rocks for you. I will stand here
and say this is not the way it is supposed to be. So how about we give Him one more chance, three more hours
to see what the surgeon does, to see what God does.” She looked at me and wiped
away her tears and held me close as we agreed that we would hope and pray for
three more hours.
We prayed that God would help us
believe, that He would pluck the cancer from Christian’s body and bring full
healing to him. That He would reveal himself to us and we would proclaim His
name on high when we were finally victorious. At midnight we were told surgery
was still going to be a few more hours so our friends and family departed and
went home to wait for the news.
About 30 minutes later Dr. Brindle opened the door to our hospital room
(minus Christian’s bed which is always an empty and scary feeling). Chris and I
both jumped up at her sudden and unexpected entrance. She came over and sat
down and said, “I got it all”. I asked her what did you get? She replied, “I
was able to get out the whole tumor, all of it”. I immediately feel to my knees
and grabbed her legs and cried out in shear disbelief. Surely she was not saying
what I thought she was. Did you say you got the whole tumor out? How is that
possible? Against the better judgment of the other surgeons working with her
that night she went ahead and attempted an unplanned and impromptu tumor
resection when she discovered the tumor was not where they thought it was and
it was not touching the structures it was meant to be touching. And the Hand of
God begins to show itself as the storey is revealed.
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| Hours post - op |
After she explained what she had
done inside his abdomen she told us that most, or many, of her colleagues would
never had attempted what she had done and she hoped that she had done the right
thing for Christian. Only then did we realize the importance of saying yes to
the surgery when we did and not wait until the morning when a different surgeon
would be on call. She was able to save all of the vital life altering
structures, which were supposed to be invaded by the tumor. She was able to
repair his intestine so he could eat and receive medication. We hugged her and
each other uncontrollably and the emotions were intense and surreal. How is it
possible that three hours before I was contemplating what life would be like
with out Christian? I was trying to figure out how to tell Evelyn that
Christian had gone to be with Jesus. I wondered where I could run and hide forever
once he was gone? And now with the swipe of a surgical hand we were once again
handed back our sweet Christian. He was given back to us on a recovery room
gurney; he was given back to us tumor (and possible cancer) free. How could
this be? Well friends, the answer is God is in control of everything and
nothing, not even my unbelief, can alter His love for us.
When we look back at the speed and
accuracy with which everything happened there is no doubt in my mind that this
was how God was going to rid Christian of his cancer. And so many factors had
to be perfectly set in place that the only way it could have worked out would
have been if God Himself had orchestrated it. And His view from the top is so
perfect and unobstructed. We were devastated when Christian’s cancer came back,
we were devastated when the tumor was inoperable, we were devastated when it
grew so fast it caused a bowel obstruction and we were devastated that he had
to be in so much pain again. When we were demoted to complex surgery to easy
his pain until he died, we were inconsolable. But all of these small and
defined details where the perfect storm that lead to his surgery by a surgeon
who was only going to be in the country for a few more hours. A surgeon who was
certain it was too risky of an operation that other surgeons would not have
attempted it. A surgery which was the answer to our prayers, “Dear God, would
you please just take this cancer out of his body – with a swipe of your hand I
know you can heal him”.
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| Day 5 |
And despite my unbelief, despite my questions and wavering
hope, God presented us with a miracle. A miracle the reminded me that God
doesn’t care if you don’t have enough faith, or enough belief, or have prayed
enough or in the right way, He doesn’t care if you question his plan or get
angry at your circumstances: He loves us beyond all comprehension and there is
nothing we can do to make him love us less. There is nothing we can do that
will make him want to give us a ‘bad gift’. Everything good comes from God and
this is really good, having Christian for another semester or the rest of our
lives is so good.
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| Trying to rest |
I immediately got on my phone and called Loralie and told
her what Dr. Brindle had done and I will never forget the sound of her high
pitched laughter and cries all mixed together. We had spent the whole previous
evening recalling miracles Jesus had preformed (both in his time and in ours)
and wondered if this was going to be for us, for our boys. And now we squealed together in
disbelief. She sent me a text once she got home that said, “we believed…but
then when it happens you realized you didn’t REALLY believe. But He did!” And
God’s love has never been clearer to me. He cured me of my unbelief.
Today Christian is still in some pain and recovery is always
a little slow with abdominal surgery. Lots of tubes coming out of his body,
draining this and that. He is talking and moving more. He is starting to want
to play with his toys and engage people in conversation. Once again we await
the return of our ‘normal’ four old and eagerly plan his fifth birthday party.
Five days ago both Chris and I wondered if he would make it to his birthday on
September 6th. But now our hope is renewed and today is a good day
and tomorrow when I open my eyes, it will be a great day too! If I have never
understood it before, each day is so special and truly not a gift to be wasted.
Wasted on anger, greed, resentment, hate or fear. We will try to grasp each day
and love hard and earnestly. As we move back into hospital mode I have
never been more grateful for the Unit 1 nurses who love Christian with such
passion. I could see the pain in their eyes when he was so sick – I feel they
were hurting just as we were. Like nobody else they have watched him fight and
fight. They have helped us through our darkest nights; they have cleaned up his
messes and hugged us when we cried. They have consoled my hurting heart and were
not afraid to show me their tears. “Professional distance” doesn’t apply to
these nurses who understand what parents need, we need them to love our children
just as they do – and they do it so well. Praise God for these angels on earth.
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| Yucky - but reality |
Please continue to pray for Christian’s continued healing
and that he will remain in remission. Please continue to pray for Chris and I
as we look into alternative therapies for Christian, that God would light the
way and open doors for us. Please pray fiercely for the Phaneuf family. That
they would be the next to receive their miracle and Jayden would be free from
cancer. All the glory in this blog goes to God, as He is the Healer of all
illnesses. He is our Father and loves us more than the earth can hold.
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| Thank God for uncle Nathan who played endlessly with my kids |
Today I am thankful for:
1.Loralie Phaneuf and my prayer team
2.Dr. Mary Brindle
3.Belief
4.The opportunity to speak about God’s love and give praise
to Him for our gracious gifts
5. Uncle Nathan, Dalton, Peder and Ian who supported us
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| Street hockey with the cousins |
