JANUARY 31

Dear Christian

Its almost 200 o’clock in the morning and sleep just doesn’t come. It has been like this every night since you have been gone. I come down to the living room and look at all your pictures. I miss you so much. During the days I try to stay occupied with Evy and Ryan but at night, when it’s dark and quiet, I have nothing else to think about, but you. I replay the night you died. I keep thinking about how sick you were and I feel so angry that you got to that point. I don’t know whom I am angry at but it just seems so unjust to me that a five year old boy has to suffer through what you did. That parents have to watch their child starve to death in front of their eyes. I am angry that science didn’t have any other solutions to save you. I am angry with our God who didn’t come and rescue us like we prayed He would. Most of all I am angry that life has to go on without you. I told your daddy tonight when we were lying in bed that life just seems so pointless now. I don’t have the motivation to do much of anything. I can barely play with your brother and sister. I am so sick with a cold that I can’t talk so I can’t even read Evan stories at bedtime even though she begs for me.

I miss you so much yet I can’t seem to cry. When I start to speak about you to people I feel my throat start to close up and the tears well. But its pointless – I don’t have the ability to explain my feelings or myself and there is NOTHING that anybody can say that will make my heart hurt less. I am still in disbelief that you are never coming back to me. That I will never hold you again. I wonder how other parents survive this pain, but I know they do and I know we will. But I just don’t see what the point is in life now. What is the purpose of my day? People say that the things that I write make them feel better and bring them closer to God, but I think that God must be speaking to them from somewhere else because all I feel is heartache. It brings me no measure of peace to know that your life affected others – because you are still gone – and that is the truth. I know to other people this will seem harsh and shallow but I would trade all of that to have you back here lying beside me in bed with your feet in my face.

Christian, if only you could speak to my heart and let me hear and feel you. I feel so disconnected from that little boy that consumed me for so long. I have a gigantic hole in my soul where your love used to fill. The love that only you knew how to give. That you could take my hand or my chin and look me in the eye and tell me that you loved me all the way to Tatoieen and back. And I would reply that I loved you all the way to the death star and back. It was a competition to see who loved each other more and now I don’t have anybody to reciprocate that unyielding, unfailing and unconditional love with. I know that Evelyn and Ryan love me but for some reason you had the ability to show love as an adult would. You had the ability to make others feel love, and not the typical love of a five year old; but a deep soul changing love that transcends my understanding. And now this emptiness just sits here in the pit of my stomach. I look at myself in the mirror and see dark circles under my eyes and I can’t even bare the reflection.

The only solution to this nightmare I am in is that at some point I will be able to stop missing the physical you and begin to experience the spiritual you. I understand that your soul lives and so your love lives. I just don’t have the ability to feel you and I so desperately long to know and love you again. I am most certain you are right now watching me cry on the couch as I sit here and type, perhaps you even have your hand on my shoulder trying to tell me that everything is going to be all right. That soon I will get to join you and I will know the glory that you live amongst. As of right now I have a jealous feeling of everybody around me who dies because they will get to see you again before I do. How dark a thought is that? I am sorry sweetie that I am so sad, I don’t know how else to be. I am happy for you, so happy. But I am sad for daddy, grammy, nanny, papa norm, Ryan and Evelyn (who cries for you but doesn’t understand where you are) and all the people who love and miss you. I pray you come to your brother and sister in their dreams and minister to them. That you explain to them how amazing heaven is and that you are going to take care of them. I pray you help them to understand with a child like faith. I hope one morning I will wake up and Ryan will tell me that he played with you in his crib last night. Or that Evelyn will tell me you came to play princesses with her. And she will finally know a peace about where you are.

If nothing else I am grateful that I can write to you and say hi and tell you I love you. That you are watching us and loving us even if we can’t feel it. One day when my sadness dissipates I will write you letters and tell you what your brother and sister are doing (just in case you miss something!) I pray one day I can write letters to you with peace and understanding in my heart. I am assuming you have already met Jayden in heaven – I pray you guys are best buds and running around playing soccer. Some time in the next little bit your daddy and I are going to go on a road trip and try and have some fun with Evelyn and Ryan. I pray you will come with us, help to guide us and protect us. That you will be an angel riding in our car, easing our sadness. I pray you will play with the kids at the pool and join us for our nighttime hot-tubs.  As I write I think about our picture of you in your Oilers jersey wrapped tightly in my arms, I think about the last round of golf you and your daddy played together in LA. I think about the last two star wars guys you got from ebay and the last Hero Factory man daddy and uncle Peder built for you. I think about the hours I held you after you were gone and the small hand squeeze I got before they finally took you away. I think of all the lasts and pray that one day the hurt won’t be so intense. I miss you. Please come to me and ease my pain.

Love,

Mommy

January 26

Dear Christian

It has been almost two weeks since you had to leave us. I miss you so much I don’t have the words to describe how bad my heart hurts. I asked a friend of mine (who also had to say good bye to their baby), if things would ever get better. She suggested that I talk to you as much I could. I tried to talk to you but each time I opened my mouth tears would fall from my eyes and I couldn’t come up with the words I wanted to say. What would I say to you if you were standing in front of me right now? I would just tell you how much I love you, how proud I am of your courage. I would grab your body and squeeze it tight and rub my face in your scruffy hair. Christian, I don’t think that the English language has the words essential to describe how we all miss you. The pain is physical, it is real and I pray that one day there is escape from it. I have never in my life encountered anything as permanent as death. It sounds obvious, but I never understood until now. Everything else in life that sucks has the potential to be better, you have the hope that things will improve and your situation can change. But there is no changing the fact that you are gone from my everyday life. I can’t bring you back and no amount of faith, prayer or belief can change any of this. So where does this leave me? Well it leaves me missing you most of my day. It leaves me having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. It leaves me with the inability to even look at your picture. I have to try and find some way to guard my heart.

The past two years of my life have been utterly consumed by you, by cancer and by fear. Now we instantly live in a moment with no hospital, no cancer, and no fear but also no you. I find relief from my grief knowing that you no longer have to feel pain, that I don’t have to hear you say, “mommy, my tummy hurts”. I wouldn’t put you through that again for anything. Not even to have you back. That phrase is so engrained in my brain that I actually feel nauseas when I hear it. I can only fathom what you have endured over these past few years and to know that you are now free brings me some measure of peace. Your daddy and I went to the movies the other night; we went and saw, “Les Miserables”. I asked Grammy if it was a bad idea to see a movie like this and she asked me if I could feel any worse, of course the answer was no so we went! And at the end of the movie when Jean Valjean was dying, Fantine (already in heaven) came and sang to him. She sang the words,

“Come with me where chains will never bind you,

All your grief, at last, at last behind you,

Lord in heaven, look down on him in Mercy”

Immediately I was brought back to those last days in the hospital when you lay in your hospital bed. The perfect picture of what people might imagine when they think of what a cancer patient looks like when they die. You where skinny beyond measure, you were swollen from fluid retention; you were incapable of communicating or showing any emotion. You were in essence already gone. This was not the life any mommy wants for their precious five year old baby. So I know that God did in fact show you mercy. He did end your pain and your suffering. He ended years of limitations and grief. He gave you the most amazing eternal gift that I would never ask you to return from.

But Christian despite my excitement for you, there are those of us left behind; your mommy and daddy, Evelyn, Ryan and your grandparents. And we are now struggling to figure out how life will roll on without you. How do I look at pictures of you during your good times (swimming in Nova Scotia, eating cinnamon buns with papa on the back of his truck, golfing with daddy, playing in the park with Evan and Ryan)? I don’t have any answers yet. I haven’t been able to speak to God about everything. I am still so sad and angry. I know that God is bigger than my anger and He understands my pain.  But I just don’t know what to say. I mutter out small prayers before bed, that He would show me heaven while I am sleeping, that He would show me you. That I would know you are good and at peace. I pray that God would numb the pain in my heart and provide me good times with my Evan and Ryan. That He would teach me to love Evelyn and Ryan with the same ferocity that I loved you. Days after you were gone I sat in your bedroom and rubbed your favorite golf underwear all over my face (don’t worry sweetheart they were clean!) and wondered if could actually die from missing someone. At least I no longer fear death, in fact I look forward to the day when I can run into your arms and my heart could be whole again.

Christian, I am holding onto one thing, that God is good. I don’t understand anything that has happened, or why it happened but I know God’s vision is perfect. I am still angry about this vision but in time I am hoping my wounds will slowly scar over. Until then I will try to get out of bed each day, breath in and out, smile at the appropriate times and love as I should. I miss you. I love you. You have forever changed my life and I will miss you until the day I die and get to see you again.

Love forever,

Mommy

Celebration

Celebration for the Life of Christian Crowell
January 20, 2013 - 2:00pm
Please come and join us at one of Christian's favorite places, Daddy's school gymnasium, to honor and celebrate the life of our young hero, Christian. Refreshments to follow at AE Bowers school in Airdrie, AB.
In lieu of flowers we ask that you make a donation to the Alberta Childrens Hopsital Foundation, Childhood Cancer Collaborative, for Sarcoma Research. Any donation made in Christian's honor is directed towards Rhabdo research

CHRISTIAN MACKENZIE CROWELL

This will be my last blog post, at least for a while. My heart is shattered into a million pieces and I don’t know what it will take to repair it. On Monday at 11:30 pm Christian took his last labored breaths and we passed him into the arms of Jesus. We have been praying for the past two years that Christian would know a life that is free of pain, limitations, needles, and frustrations. We prayed for an earthly healing that did not come to pass. We will never know or be able to explain why God decided to call him to His home. But I will rest knowing that Christian is happier in the arms of Jesus than I could ever make him. He is finally strong, fast and playing the way a five year-old boy should. Please continue to pray for our family as we struggle to come to grips with our new reality.

CHRISTIAN MACKENZIE CROWELL

09-06-2007 – 01-14-2013

CHRISTIAN AND GOLIATH

Keeping air in his lungs and food in his tummy

Dear Christian

My sweet little boy, my fighter, one week ago somebody told me that you only had days left to go, days left to hold and love on you. But here you are my little man; you are rocking this world with your tenacity and perseverance. You refuse to give up. Some people might say that you have fought so long and hard, why not just let you go and be at peace. But you know what? God has given you this fighting spirit and has given you this will to live. Our heaven father has given you the ability to fight like Samson and David. He has given you the heart of a lion and the courage of a mighty warrior.

Within the past week you definitely reached a point where your dad and I wondered when you would be taken home. But each day your show us bits of hope. You show us that God is listening to our prayers. Yesterday when I was in the shower I dropped to my knees and told God how weary and tired we were. How I didn’t have the energy to fight anymore. I asked for God to move so that we could know He is in fact Lord over all of our circumstances. And true to God’s glory you had a promising day yesterday. You had some poo (which means your bowel obstruction is moving), you had some food, lots of drink and you wanted to move. In fact I came back from having some supper to find you desperately scraping your arms trying to get out of bed. You were convinced you were getting out of bed. So you sat on the edge of your bed and let me rub your back. Sweet, sweet Christian we have a ways to go but your fight encourages me to keep trusting God. We asked you yesterday who was going to fix your tummy, and you told us, “Jesus”. Then all on your own you told us He told you that, “three times”.

You never know where your inspiration is going to come from and you never know when God is going to whisper in your ear.  Yesterday on your Facebook page somebody posted about the song from Tenth Avenue North, “By your Side”. As I write this blog I listen to the words and am intensely encouraged by the words

“Why are you crying these days?

Why are you trying to earn grace?

Why are you crying? Let me lift up your face, just don’t turn away

Why are you looking for love?

Why are you still searching as if I am not enough?

To where will you go? Tell me where will you run? To where will you run?

Cause I’ll be by your side where every you fall

In the dead of night whenever you call and please don’t fight these hands that are holding you, my hands are holding you

Cause I, I love you, I want you to know that I, I love you I’ll never let you go”

www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdjRmM0Q0qs

Your mommy and daddy have been ‘working’ so hard to ‘earn’ your healing, crying in desperation, wondering about our future. God is reminding us that none of these things are required. God is telling us that He is enough for us, just hang on to Him and onto His word. Regardless of what is going on He is holding us; He is cradling all of us in his big hands. He is holding us up and carrying us on his soft, gigantic shoulders. There is no need to run around frantically looking for answers. God will provide everything that we need because He loves us so desperately and “He will never let you go”. Christian please remember how much God loves you, whatever happens to us, God’s plans are so much grander that all we can imagine.

Ephesians 3: 20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.

YUMMY!

My prayer requests today are that the copious amounts of fluid in his body would be reabsorbed and alleviate the pressure on his lungs, heart and vital organs. That his bowel adhesions would continue to release and he would be able to eat food without ensuing pain. Please pray that God would continue to minister to Chris, myself and our family in our dark hours. Please lift up the Phaneuf family and continue to pray fervently for Jayden. That God would move in their home and in Jayden’s body. Please pray for healing for these amazing boys – that they would be raised up and that would be able to personally glorify God in the land of the living.

Today I am thankful for:

1.Living Springs church

2.Unexpected poo

3.Sheepskin rugs for Christian’s bony bumJ

CHRISTIAN'S FIGHT

Once again I am going to struggle to tap out a few words but I wanted to keep everybody posted on Christian's current condition. I can not begin to express how much it has meant to me to read everybody's comments and encouragement. To feel the prayers coming to us from all around the globe. As of this evening we are at the Children's Hospital where we have been for the past four days. Christians condition is rapidly declining and as of today we were told he has only days left to live. He is on a constant infusion of narcotics and sedatives to keep him comfortable and relatively pain free. He still opens his eyes and asks for blue popsicles. He has random smiles for different people. He is the love of my life and I will continue to pray and believe in our God. Please pray for Christian, for peace in his heart, for healing of his body. Please pray for my other children, Evelyn and Ryan and for Chris as we all try to cope with our current situation. I feel your love.
Sincerely
Megan

DRUMMER BOY

One of my precious smiles...

Merry Christmas from the Crowell household! Today was a great day in our house as we enjoyed a lovely Christmas morning, afternoon and evening surrounded by many family members. I will readily admit that until this morning I was full of anxiety, wondering whether or not Christian would make it to Christmas day. I am sad to admit that these were my thoughts yet I never actually spoke these words to anyone. Doing so would admit that my faith and belief in a complete healing were false and I was only putting on pretenses for show. This is really silly because God already knows my heart and understood my fear. I was scared; I was petrified that for the rest of my life the Christmas holidays would be a scar that never faded. I feel a deep sense of relief to have enjoyed these days with Christian and I have decided to let go of the prayers of desperation and move into a mode of thanksgiving and been still. Trying to calm my mind, my fears, and my worries and try to hear God leading us.

Most of my time spent here on the couch with my 

Love my daddy!

Only three days ago we ended up driving to the hospital early in the morning after Christian spent most of the night screaming in pain. Pain that couldn’t be controlled with morphine or love or anything else I had to offer. The day before Christmas Eve and I was wondering if this trip to the hospital would end up being a permanent situation. Would we get to come home for Christmas? Well obviously the answer is yes! I put a word out to our faithful prayer warriors and within 5 hours his pain under control (we are so grateful when the answer to pain is poo!) and he rested comfortably for a few more hours before we were allowed to leave. I was overjoyed to bring him to Christmas Eve church service (even if he came in his PJ’s and slept the whole time!) and even more overjoyed when he happily got out of bed this morning and walked downstairs to see what Santa had left for him.

I am going to submit a prayer request in the middle of my blog because we need everybody to know how dire this situation is, how desperately we need prayer and ultimately healing for Christian. Christian’s abdomen is grossly bloated and swollen. It is so full that his surgical scars are stretched and red, his stomach muscles work extra hard to take each breath and his bowels take a beating every minute of the day. His tumor has grown significantly and has taken over that side of his abdomen. We need prayer that this tumor would begin to shrink (or completely disappear!) before he suffers from an inevitable bowel obstruction.

Sibling love....

Our new regimen of drug cocktails seems to keep him fairly comfortable but unfortunately he is groggy, tired and stoned for most of his day. I rejoice every time I see a true smile from his little face. It seems his moments of pleasure are few and far between. He does still love to build and play with his hero factory guys and watches his favorite TV shows on the couch. But it seems the drugs have stolen his ability to respond to anything with a positive emotion. His movements throughout the day are from our bed to the couch, to the bathroom and back to the couch (the last step repeated several times a day!) On good days he will make his way down to my mom’s house and visit with her and put together some Lego or play a game of Wii bowling with Papa and daddy.  I am very grateful that he wants to eat all day long (grazing we call it!) and clings to his favorite foods of Lipton noodles, crackers and cream cheese and grilled cheese sandwiches.

Christmas morning

Please keep lifting Christian up in prayer believing that his journey will lead to an amazing glorification of what God can do right here on earth. The bible says that God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. And in biblical times Jesus healed so many. So He will heal now – just as He did back then. But a childlike faith and belief in God’s ability are vital. There are times in the Gospels when people were healed just by touching the garment that Jesus wore – because they believed so strongly that He could heal. Jesus hasn’t changed, but our faith has because we don’t ‘see’ the healings, social media doesn’t cover them and they don’t make the headlines. But God heals and miracles happen everyday. So please pray for Jayden and Christian, for healing in the land of the living. For full restoration of their bodies, that they would be blessed 10 fold for the time they have lost while fighting for their lives. As I write this blog and look back at my previous entry and I am frightened when I see how fast he has declined in a weeks time. I need to constantly remind myself that God’s timing is perfect but I long for Christian’s suffering to be over – a mothers heart can only take so much.

This Christmas season as I struggled to ‘hear’ God speak to me but I found myself very drawn to a few particular Christmas songs. One of them was “Drummer Boy” by Mercy Me. For some reason the words of the song jumped out at me as he sings;

Shall I play for you?

Shall I play for you?

Mary looked at me and nodded

The ox and lamb kept time

I played my drum for him

I played my best for Christ

I played my best for Christ
www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Y09LZ5N42E

And all of a sudden it wasn’t just a Christmas song I had heard every year for the past 37 years I was there in the stable with Joseph and Mary and baby Jesus. I can see the little shabby boy standing there with his drum, timid but fully grasping the significance of the little baby born that evening in a stable. He had nothing of monetary value to offer as a gift to Christ. But what he did have to offer was himself and the gift the savior Himself has bestowed on the little boy. And he wanted to play for the little baby, he wanted to make the baby proud with the only gift he had – himself. And it made me do an inward and I took a hard look at myself and began to think about the gifts that God has bestowed on me. Am I using them to glorify God?  I am not sure I even know what they would be, perhaps the gift of leadership and determination? The drummer boy reminded me that every time we use our gifts to glorify him we make him smile. When we use our gifts to help others, those in need or those who can’t help themselves, God smiles. He doesn’t require extravagant gifts, sacrifices or magnanimous show of ‘religion’. What He does ask is that we use the gifts we are given to bring glory to Him and help our neighbors.

Our beautiful Rapunzel!!!

Today I am thankful for:

1.Songs that reach right into my chest and grab my heart

2.Turkey Dinner!!! YUM

3.Watching Christian open his Christmas presents with happy emotion and gratitude. 

Don't just hope....BELIEVE

All IN HIM

Dear Friends…

These blogs are getting harder and harder to write. Our boys are sick and there is no way to sugar coat things. Jayden is plagued by constant pain and headaches, sleeping copious amounts of the day. Christian is a serious color of yellow – letting us know that his liver is being encroached on in a serious way. Mercifully his pain is under good control and he has many moments of levity during the day. We find fun things to do that do not require much energy; he loves to build puzzles with Grammy, work on building his Lego Star Wars, watching Hero Factory over and over, setting up his Star Wars guys and just hanging together on the couch watching Disney Junior.

I don’t want you to sit at home with your head hung down in misery. I want to encourage every single person reading this blog. I want to encourage you with the love of our God, a love that our English language doesn’t have the words to describe. Ephesians 3:18-19 says “…together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge of all the fullness of God”.  I trust in the Lord to guide us, protect us and preserve us. He promises this to us in his word. I know that God has a great plan for Christian and Jayden. Their situation may seem insurmountable but with God, nothing is to big or scary. One tumor or a thousand, one second from death or a year – God will work all things out. So please do not loose heart or be sad. Believe with all your heart that God will finish the good works He began in these beautiful boys. Don’t bow your head and beg God for a miracle – turn your eyes up to him and proclaim healing. Know that God will not do anything that is not good. This may be beyond our human understanding but we must trust. If you don’t have this trust in your heart then I ask you right now to drop to your knees and ask God to come into your heart. Ask God to show you love that you have never known or experienced. Accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior knowing that God gave us His only son so that we could have this opportunity. Christmas day is not about presents, turkey, candy, chocolate or trees. Christmas day is the day that God sent his son for us. Would I be so willing to hand over Christian? I don’t think so, but this is what makes God’s love so unbelievable and undeniable. This is the measure of God’s love.

Gifts from the Oncology family

The next verse in Ephesians states, “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine….” Basically saying that whatever request I come up with in my time spent praying – God’s plan is more magnificent, more grand, more glorious and more wonderful than anything my human brain can conjure. God is for healing and life. So pray with conviction, belief and as much appreciation as we can muster. God wants us to look up to Him and trust, knowing that He will not let us down. No matter how horrible this situation may seem, if you keep your focus on God and not what our human eyes can see then peace will come to you.

Carousel at Chinook mall

Our prayer requests for today are: Please pray for peace and patience for the Phaneuf family while they try to help Jayden through this difficult time. Peace for Chris and I as we try to make Christmas as special as possible – to honor the true meaning of Christmas. Please pray for physical, earthly healing for our two boys. That Christians tumor would shrink and his skin color would be white again and he would be able to eat a good solid amount of food. Pray that Jayden’s tumors would disappear and our Christmas miracle would be complete. And all the Glory belongs to HIM.

We have been so blessed these past few weeks by so many different people in our community. These are things I am thankful for today:

1.GMHS Band putting on an amazing concert with Christian in their hearts

2.Amazing staff at Heaven's fitness (and uncle Peder) for putting on an awesome dance party for Christian

3.The ladies from our church constantly bringing us treats and suppers.

4.The woman from AE Bowers school coming over to ‘freshen up’ our houseJ

5.The Muriel Clayton basketball team (girls) honoring Christian with CC on the back of their warm up jerseys’.

MOCKTAILS AND MISTLETOE

Dear Christian. My heart is heavy for you tonight. For the past two days your energy levels have been extremely low, as is your enthusiasm. I constantly ask you if you are not feeling well but you simply reply to me, “no I feel fine”. But the sadness and resignation in your voice tell me different. You are tired, not just physically tired but emotionally tired of this journey. I imagine it would be like having the stomach flu for two months. As your mommy I would whine and wail after only two days of being sick -  but you my might warrior – you just battle on. We stopped your chemotherapy last week at the suggestion of our medical team. They felt the disease was progressing despite the chemotherapy (which was making you soooo sick) so we are truly now investing everything else in our God, our Healer. The only medicine you are taking now is to control your pain and try to ease your discomforts. I have been praying constantly that God would speak to your heart, and hopefully bring you some peace. I know he has been faithful in helping us control your pain as you seem to be relatively comfortable but now I pray He answers this prayer for enthusiasm and zeal. The return of the Christian who is excited to play and visit with family.

Puzzle path with Izzy - see the determination????

I am also praying that you could gain some weight. You have dropped down to that dangerous level of weight loss where I can see every vertebra and rib in your body. Every ounce of extra fat has been used. I pray that every morsel of food you eat has a 100 fold effect in terms of energy and calorie. There is so much to pray about and so many things “I want” but over these past few hours I have been resigned to the Lord’s Prayer knowing he already knows the desires and longings in my heart. I am prayed out so I find comfort in knowing that others are praying on our behalf, on behalf of Jayden and our families. I know as we speak people are hungry as they fast for these two boys.

Matthew 6:8-13

….for your father knows what you need before you asking him. “This then is how you should pray: “’Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. And forgive us our debts. As we also have forgiven our debtors. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil’”

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

So my sweet Christian I just want to remind you how proud I am of your. How patient you are and how your love just flows like a river whose banks are about to break. On an hourly basis you tell me how much you love me, how special I am. Your skin is off white and pale and your eyes are a yucky tinge of yellow, yet the beauty of your soul just shines through you. Yesterday when we were driving I was trying to explain to you why you have been sick for so long, and how we have tried to make you better but it is just not working. Now, I explained to you, it is up to God to come up with a way to make you better and we are trusting in Him. I told you how proud I was that you continued to fight and be strong, that I was so full of love for you. I asked if you knew these things that I was telling you, you looked right at me and said, “Well I do now!” I totally busted a gut! You are so hilarious – it makes my heart pound for you even more.

Best friends forever......

Our emotional fatigue is taking its toll on our bodies; almost all of us have a horrible cough and Chris has now developed stomach ulcers (sorry Chris if you didn’t want to share this info with the rest of the world!) But the members of our church and our families are buoying us. I cannot tell you the relief Chris and I feel as his parents make their way out west for Christmas. The extra pair of hands to keep kids happy and busy, the extra ears to hear our concerns but mostly the amazing atmosphere of family coming together in one space to share this most amazing occasion of the birth of Christ. The joy of watching the kids on Christmas morning, the peace of the Christmas Eve service and just being surrounded by people who love us and we love in return.

Christian we are so blessed to live in this amazing city with our friends and church who support us non stop, to live in this province with an amazing hospital to take care of you, to live in this country with a health care system that will pay out millions of dollars to try and save your life. We are so blessed to be in a situation where we can have physical comforts amidst our pains and anxiety, that we have friends who come to us when we need them. We are blessed by God who hears every single one of our prayers and continues to bless us over this life changing Christmas holiday.

Mostly I am grateful that God is bringing together all of these families, friends and people so that as a congregation and community we can witness the amazing healing that is going to happen for these two boys. Until then, Praise be to God and all the Glory belongs to HIM,

Hockey anyone????

I would like to plug an amazing event that our friends are putting on for the Phaneuf family. On December 20^th in NW Calgary there will be a “Mocktails and Mistletoe” event featuring an intimate concert by George Canyon (as well as silent auction) and all proceeds go to support “Jayden’s Home”. Please see the link below for more information. Please put on your pretty’s and come and join us for an awesome evening of music and friendship in support of our dear friends: Doug, Loralie, Megan, Nicky and Jayden.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151163096722337&set=oa.123034147858399&type=1&relevant_count=1&ref=nf

Jayden and Loralie in the clinic

Matthew 11:28-30

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Christian's photography....he is so keen:)

Today I am thankful for:

1.Puzzles with Christian and Grammy

2.Afternoon hot tub dates with uncle Peder

3.Random goodies from families who drop off food to our door – God bless you

4.Hanging out with Evan under our Christmas tree all at night while she talks to the ornaments and tells them stories (apparently they talk back to her!!! Should I be worried???)

NB – Crystal come back for that hug…I would be so blessed to meet and chat with you anytime! 

Faithfulness

Cinnamon buns and mommy and daddy's bed - MY FAVORITES!

Well I am not really sure where to begin. It is Sunday night and I am resting here in our bed with Christian, watching Karate Kid for the second time today. Wow - I really don’t have the words to express, or to explain the events of this past week. He has been sick since his last dose of chemo (over a week ago), which we knew was going to make him sick but he just never seemed to recover. He just seemed to keep on getting more and more ill. Despite a visit from my brother and his two young kids (which should have provided him with hours and days of fun) his enthusiasm for everything normal to him was gone. By Friday he couldn’t even get out of bed, he couldn’t lift his own head. Horrible pains in his stomach, constant fevers, bone pains and headaches seemed to be relentless. So in fear, Chris and I packed him up and headed to the hospital praying that his immune system was intact. Praying that there would be an easy answer to what was going in inside of him. Of course the unspoken words were obvious…was this what the end were going to look like?

Merry 'early' Christmas from the Sanders family

We were quickly taken care of at the hospital, blood tests, hydration, medicine, anything and everything to make him feel better. The real kick in the pants was meeting the palliative are team. I cannot describe how difficult it is to be in a place of science that has no room for God. I place with no hope, no encouragement, no faith. I prayed out loud in our hospital room that science and the enemy wouldn’t be able to speak any negative words to me. That I would be shielded by God’s words and promises. I took everything the doctors had to tell me, everything they said we needed to do to make Christian feel better, then I took it to God. I asked him what we should do. We were told his electrolytes where at critical levels and his liver was not functioning properly (assuming because of pressure from the tumor). So they gave him some fluids, some meds and we spoke with the medical staff briefly (I told the oncologist I didn’t want to know about anything that couldn’t be fixed). Finally we packed Christian up and headed home (of course after a quick stop at the Store Upstairs!) He looked truly horrible. His skin was pale and yellow, the whites of his eyes no longer white, dark circles under his sunken eyes and the spirit of joy gone from his being. I couldn’t stand him looking like this for one more minute.

Is this right?

I immediately felt like I needed help praying. I wanted to be surround by people who believed, as I wanted to believe. I asked some people from our church to come and pray over Christian, hands on prayer. Touching his skinny body, his fragile fingers and toes, his sweaty head of hair. We prayed and prayed and then I prayed some more. Around 1:30 am I gave him his nighttime meds and prepared for a long night of pain medication and trying to calm his anxiety that rose with every attack of pain. We prayed about a dome of protection around Christian as he slept that night, I prayed that God would take care of this so that I would not have to watch him suffer anymore. Well at 10am the next morning I woke with a bit of a shock. He had not needed one dose of pain medication, the yellow in his eyes and skin had faded and he had asked me for juice on three separate occasions that night (crazy after not really drinking or eating much for three days). God answered our prayer that night. His faithfulness to His children is immeasurable. I keep referring the one of my new favorite passages from the bible,

Ephesians 3:20,

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us”

Gingerbread houses with the cousins...what a great way to spend Saturday night:)

This verse reminds me that no matter what I ask for, what grand plans I can come up with in my mind, God’s plans are always so much better. He knows so much more, He already knows the desires of my heart and exactly how to fulfill everything I need. So while I am waiting for God’s plans to come to fruition I am trying to learn patience, understanding, compassion for others, and developing my own relationship with God.

All I know for sure is that God has truly revealed himself to us again. The doctors we spoke with on Friday were convinced we would need massive amounts of pain medication, they only see death. I am so thankful for our God who only sees life. Who despite the situation, is working things out for our good. That Christian, whom they were sure was on deaths door, is now rejuvenated and smiling. And all the glory belongs to God.

My prayer requests for this week are: Please pray that both Christian and Jayden would have peace in their hearts, that they would have some type of spiritual understanding about the situation they are in. Peace that we know only God can provide – even for a five year old. I pray that God would shrink the tumor in Christian’s abdomen, relieving the pressure on his liver. I pray that Evelyn and Ryan would have the same peace and reassurance that Jayden and Christian need. I pray for peace for Chris and myself as we cope with the stress of our situation.

Today I am thankful for:

1.Early Christmas from Julia Sanders and her family!!! What an awesome Saturday morning!!!!

2.Goodies from the church (thanks Trinity and Roslyn)

3.Random strangers blessing our family – beyond measure…thank you

4.Ladies from our church willing to come any time of the night for prayer, God bless you

5.God listening to and answering ALL of our prayers